blog me, amadeus

Confession: I created a bro. (And I liked it.)

OK, so, wow— how to start. Well. Let’s just get right on into it. About two years ago, I did kind of a funny thing. (Definitely not funny ha-ha; funny queer.)

One morning, in the very uncertain and anxiety-ridden era of the year AD 2007, I woke up, had a nice breakfast, (in all likelihood) took a gnarly bong hit (salad days, those wake-&-bake-rs), and decided to create my very-own MySpace brofile. Yes, you’ve read correctly. Not a profile. A brofile.

What it a “brofile”?, you may ask. Excellent question. I feel uniquely qualified to answer this (your) question vis-à-vis brofiles because I am under the distinct impression that I coined the term and the concept, way back when I was stoned a lot (I blame G.W. Bush), and living in Brookline, MA (Bush gets the blame for that, too).

(An UrbanDictionary search seems to contradict this claim, as it contains several existing definitions for the term “brofile.” However, dates on these definitions’ additions are way too recent for any of the definitions’ authors to lay claim on the actual creation of the term itself. I then, thus, must now, finally, step forward and proclaim myself as the one, true, rightful intellectual property owner of the term “brofile”, and, as such, am also the inspiration for any other fake, bro-parodying, fake web profiles that may or may not have eminated thenceforth.)

But I digress.

A brofile, as I initially envisioned it, is simply a fictitious profile for an archetypal bro on the then-burgeoning social networking website “MySpace.”

I chose a bro name (“Kyle”) a bro location (“Nutley, NJ”), and found a HILARIOUS picture of a bro eatin’ a hot dog (a classic bro food). I wrote some simple, banal (though I must say, authentic) copy and voilà: the brofile had been born.

[By clicking here, you abandon any post-2007 morality or maturity you may have gained thereafter, and are welcome to view my (the original) Brofile in all its majestic slendor.]

My original plan was two-fold: 1) To create an outrageous, yet convincing, brofile [done and done!] and 2) To use said brofile to take over Myspace [more complicated, as it turns out, in implimentation than in conception].

So after the initial ha-ha-ha of envisioning this totally ridiculous bro that still could totally pass for an authetic Myspace-r— I kind of forgot all about Kyle. Sad, yes. Kyle was my Frankenstein and I neglected him. Whatever, though, I had other shit to do.

Kyle was dead, from April 2007 until this morning, February 26, 2009— when I awoke from a generally-pleasant slumber and, in the instantaenous flash of a Proustian moment, recalled his creation and his existence.

So. What does the future hold for Kyle? Nothin’. As is the case for most real-life bros, Kyle will not evolve. He will continue to exist as he was during his glory days: The bullshit Spring of the year 2007. I’ve done all I can with him. We’ve had the best of times, and the worst of times.

His future, dear reader, resides now, entirely, in your gentle hands.

“Be bold and mighty forces will come to your aid!” — Goethe.

“i’m a pretty chill guy who just likes havin a good time!!” — Kyle

BTW: Here Are Some Fun Names To Say Whilst Belching

1. Slobodan Miloshevich
2. Ban Ki Moon
3. Don Cheadle
4. John Jacob Jingleheimer-Schmidt (particularly fun if this happens to be your name too)
5. Sirhan Sirhan
6. Condoleezza Rice
7. Sanjay Gupta
8. George Stephanopoulos
9. Percy Bysshe Shelley
10. Beyonce